Iconic Convos: The Seattle Freeze

Nicole Bearden (NB): Since we are deep into Seattle’s dark days (Winter), I thought it was about time to talk to our most famous, local, glacial icon: The Seattle Freeze. Thanks so much for joining us today, Freeze. What have you been up to?

Seattle Freeze (SF): Oh, just chilling. The usual.

NB: *Snorts* Oh! Ha. Very funny.

SF: What? Did I make a joke? Oh, because I’m the Freeze. Got it. I guess that was a Freudian slip.

NB: That’s what I was thinking. So, I hear a lot about you from transplants. It seems like you get around a lot.

SF: I don’t even know most of those people. I hear what they say though. And I have to tell you—it kind of hurts. They talk all the time about how I cause people to shut them out, and how I make people so frigid here. It’s super weird to have so many strangers so obsessed with me.

NB: I can imagine that might be difficult. Why do you think they blame you for their lack of a social life?

SF: I’ve talked to my cousins, Midwestern Nice and Southern Hospitality. They seem to think it’s a me problem, but, between you and me, they aren’t as Nice or Hospitable as they seem. I think people move here for a couple of reasons; they visit here and like that no one is in their business all the time, and choose how to spend their time, or they came for work, or right after college, with some preconceived notion, and expect everyone to be a buddy right off the bat.

Real friendship doesn’t work that way for adults. But you can’t tell people anything. They want friends, and they expect everyone else to want them as a friend.

NB: That does sound familiar. Making friends as an adult can be rough. Tell me more about your cousins.

SF: Well, Midwestern Nice is “nice”, but he isn’t always kind. Like he’ll give you the shirt off his back, help you change a tire, invite you for a beer on game day. But if you don’t fit into his idea of what people should look like, act like, value…well, you’re screwed basically. His world is pretty small and as long as you play by his rules, you’re fine. People aren’t like that though, and no one can drill that into his thick head.

NB: I can believe that. What about Southern Hospitality?

SF: Well, she is a whole drama queen. I mean, Southern Hospitality is so BORED (maybe from all that humidity, I don’t know), that all she wants is to know everyone’s business. She also found that the best way to get people to talk is to act sweet, give them some iced tea, then start asking questions. She pretends to be interested in helping people, but mostly it’s just so she has gossip to spread around.

NB: Yikes, I can agree with that (from experience). So what would you like to tell our readers?

SF: Listen, I only exist because you all talk about me so much. And the people who are talking about me? You should really focus that energy inward. Join a club, learn a language, be interesting and don’t approach people with such neediness. It’s expensive here; people work a lot. And a lot of people are just introverts. Others have all the friends that they can handle, timewise. You’ll find your place as long as you keep an open heart and an open mind.

But leave me out of it! Everyone claims that I’m so cold and antisocial, but I have a lot of friends! I go boarding with Brodie Kraken, sometimes I sit with Black Sun, and we bask together and talk about literature. I head down just to shoot the shit with Pike Place sometimes. And that’s just a few of my buddies. Stop projecting. Self-reflect.

NB: Bravo. Thanks for chatting today, Seattle Freeze. Stay cool! 

“Winter Forrest [sic] and Snowcapped Mountain”

John de Leon