Other Legendary Trolls: Seattle Kraken

***As an interviewer of iconic Seattle non-humans, Nicole decided to chat with the PNW Kraken that was NOT chosen as the NHL’s Seattle Kraken mascot… [the following is intended as humor only].

Nicole Bearden (NB): Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Kraken. I think a lot of people were confused when the Seattle Kraken’s mascot turned out to be…not a Kraken. Can you give us the inside scoop?

Brodie Kraken (BK): Call me Brodie. Mr. Kraken is my dad and he's a huge bummer. I’m so stoked to get a chance to set the record straight, man. It’s been heavy since that little troll weirdo got picked over me.

NB: I can imagine. Kraken have a storied, and sometimes infamous history. In fact, authors like HP Lovecraft have written a lot about you guys, and maybe the hiring managers had some prejudice related to that. Do you have any corrections to that narrative?

BK: Whoa, dude. Don't confuse me with my distant relatives. I'm a West Coast kraken—that weirdo Lovecraft guy wrote about my East Coast ancestors, and those are some dark mothers. Like those Puritanical values shine through. So bogus. That's not me. I'm all about the VIBES, man. I LOVE fog, bro. Like fog, the evergreens, a nice mist, just blasting through it, listening to Alice in Chains or Screaming Trees—I'm all over that. I RAGE through the Sound (but, like, peacefully, you know?). 

Because I'm a chill dude. Like, would I accept acolytes to worship me? Sure, dude, but you won't find me in lame-ass New England OR R'lyeh. I'll be boarding, biking, smoking, and hiking my way through this beautiful PNW landscape. And devouring a few tech bros along the way. We all have to do our part to keep this city beautiful, and I love to crunch down on some cryptodouche.

NB: Wow, that’s good to know. Certainly not what I expected to hear. We thank you for your service. Now, the Troll that landed the Kraken gig, did you know them before?

BK: I'm actually friends with their uncle, The Fremont Bridge Troll. He's a cool dude, we've been friends for decades. We smoke together sometimes, play chess, whatever. It wasn't his call that Buoy got that gig (what kind of name is that anyway?). 

Buoy the current NHL Kraken mascot

NHL Kraken

They put him down on the application like, "My uncle has been the Fremont Troll under the bridge for over 30 years…” That's nepotism, bro, but FT (that’s what I call him, FT) told me that the kid isn't even really his nephew. It's his half-sister that he's never even met's kid. And that little dude is entitled, no discipline at all, always gambling on troll games, and just wanted the Kraken gig to have easy access to fresh people meat. I guess Buoy can seriously butt-kiss, which is what those corpo-dudes like. So none of us are surprised that he got that gig.

NB: Wait. Buoy eats people at the games?

BK: Yeah, dude. It’s gnarly and not in a good gnar-way. Like, I can't judge too much. I eat people sometimes, but only people with evil in their souls—like landlords. And NIMBYs. And those techdouches I mentioned earlier. That little Troll dude will just roll up, act cute and innocent, and then and maw down on, like, anyone.

NB: That sounds pretty scary. I think we were all confused when Buoy was selected because they don’t really look scary at all...besides in that uncanny valley way, I guess. I mean, what opposing team would be afraid of a giant Troll doll? Whereas a Kraken…

BK: I know, right?! (Giggles) Turns out, they should be afraid (snorts), but little troll’s diet isn’t common knowledge.

I would be a way better mascot, I think, based on looks. I was thinking though, it would probably eat into my chill time, so it’s better for me anyway. Still insulting though, for sure. Oh, uh, hey, you wanna hit this? (offers a pipe)

NB: Um, no…Thanks so much for offering though. [Clears throat]

I completely understand your point. Wrapping up, I just want to thank you again for taking the time to speak with us. Are there any parting words you would like to say to Buoy? To our readers?

BK: Buoy? I guess, like, just that he should focus his cravings on the deserving and stop manging on drunk hockey fans.

To everyone else: Be chill, dudes, don’t get so aggro with one another. Get outside and enjoy Mother Nature; because, while my great, great, great, great, great uncle is down for the count right now, you know—ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn, he is probably gonna wake up pretty soon, it's NOT gonna be a righteous time.

NB:  Yikes, sounds like we're in for an eldritch nightmare! [chuckles]

BK: Oh, most definitely, bro. [laughs] But you probably won't even feel anything after the Elder Gods devour your mind. A lot of them have already awakened and gotten to people like your politicians, CEOs, all those putrid, greedy dudes, ya know? Just stay away from those bogus dudes and just have a bitchin' time together, raging in the wilderness dudes. Listen to some Soundgarden and Mother Love Bone. Or even The Gits. Hang loose, dudes!

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“Kraken Dude” illustration by Jane Yohnson.